What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:38
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
All the time i was locked up.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She found it foreign!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i lived it daily.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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When she asked me how she looked .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is soul school!.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My family never makes their pension either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Comes on , in middle age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
What did i know ?
I said to her
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She loved him until the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it wasn’t much.
We were not on the streets..
I was seconnd youngest,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I will be 64.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He knew the spot.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Would this be the day?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He resisted the act ,that day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Who then, do I blame.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was scared of men, in general
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I never cut or harmed myself..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I couldn’t, believe it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ive learnt so much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was very sick at this time too.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).